SumSabina03

The Major Signs It's "Fashion Week In New York"

9. Local newscasters describe the national security level as "desert sunset orange."

8. Hans Blix confessed to "The New York Times" that he only buys sexy underwear.

7. Winona Ryder has been researching what she'll be shoplifting next season.

6. Confused models strutting down runways at LaGuardia Airport.

5. Honey, in New York it's always fashion week.

4. Surge in restraining orders against Regis.

3. Underground the rats are running around in gowns.

2. Subways smell like urine ... and perfume.

1. The Statue of Liberty showing more leg than usual.

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they had died.

"I froze to death," said the first woman.

"You froze to death, how horrible !" responded the other woman.

"Well, it wasn't so bad," continued the first woman. "After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm
and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you ?"

"I died of a massive heart attack," said the second woman. "I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I
came home early to catch him in the act but -- instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

"So what happened ?" "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all
over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through
every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer," said the first woman. "We'd both still be alive."

From Casey ... off with their hat's ! ... or something like that.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next
Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a large
gulp. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did
not say ... "eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

PARANOID

Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman ?

A: She's the one putting a condom on her vibrator.

SLOGAN

Q. What's the slogan for the new tampon ?

A. We may not be number one, but we're still up there !"

YOGURT AND OYSTERS

Q: Why do they say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life ?

A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

HOW MANY

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb ?

A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

MORNING AFTER

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men ?

A: It changes their blood type. (It took me a month to figure that one out - R.)

This was written (post 9-11) by a comedian after his wife died. Upon reading it, you might be
surprised to see who wrote it -- and the very last line. The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we
buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We
have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more
medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too
fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have
multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've
learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the
moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not
inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've
conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies
than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods, slow digestion, big men, small
character, steep profits, shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier
houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night
stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill. It is a time when there is much in
the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because
they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to
you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to say, "I
love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it
comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not
be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. Life
is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. --George Carlin