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Section 1:
Totally Cool
The Magazine
outtakes and misc.
Stay Tuned. On the road
of what you relate to ...
Richard Renda
"The Official Editorial Authority"
copyright 2003
All rights reserved.
On Every Page There Is
A Song. Wait. And adjust
... your volume.
A Magazine Alive
Laurie S. Schechter
"World's First Vogue Style Editor"
Editorial Music Credit:
Adam's Lullaby
Natacha Atlas
Beggers Group
The MagaZine
Uncle Bill
What's To Say ???
What's To Say ???
1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris ... are in-seine.
2. A backward poet writes ... inverse.
3. A man's home is his castle ... in a manor of speaking.
4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
7. A man needs a mistress ... just to break the monogamy.
8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell ?
11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
15. The definition of a will ? ... (It's a dead giveaway.)

16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
17. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
25. Local Area Network in Australia ... the LAN down under.
26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
27. Every calendar's days are numbered.
28. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
32. A midget fortune teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
34. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
36. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now ... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness. MENstrual
cramps. MENtal breakdown. MENopause. GUYnecologist. AND when there is real trouble, it's a
HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ? You can send this to all the
women you know to brighten their day. And you can send this to all the men, so they get the point.
From the Mail ... be advised:

The New incoming California Governor has announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was
the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted
a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, if nobody
will be offended, "Austrionics"). In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion,
and keyboards kan have one less letter key.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome
"ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

Little Johnny ...

One day at Little Johnny's kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2
to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy, Sean, put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry
Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy, Hamish, put his hand up and said, "It was St.
Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy, Little Johnny, raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The
teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Little Johnny, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Little Johnny his money, she said, "You know Little Johnny, since
you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Little Johnny replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage
the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and
it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and
"w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and
after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united
urop vil finali kum tru. Pleas pas it on to oza pepl.

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