How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on
hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Laurie S. Schechter
"World's First Vogue Style Editor"
Stay Tuned. On the road
... to the Future ...
Totally Cool ®
outtakes and misc.
"The Official Editorial Authority"
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A Song. Wait. And adjust
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Come With Me
Written In Stone
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana. It wasn't
the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of
the thing that made her go.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up and no place to go.
In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
For not rising.
Beware of the parrot ...
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would
happen in his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk ...
vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a schmuck ... eh ?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it ! He stood in front of an African Grey parrot that cocked his
little head and said: "Vus ? Kenst reddin Yiddish ?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "The parrot speaks Yiddish ?"
"What did you expect?" he replied. "Chinese, maybe ?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer paid five hundred dollars and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night
he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how
beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment
center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of
living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer
explained the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The
parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching
him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend. He was lonely no more.
One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to
go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not place for a bird. But the parrot made a terrific argument and
was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle -- and Meyer was
questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first he refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days but Meyer convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could pray. Wagers were made with
Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song
passed -- Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and
mumbling under his breath, "Pray already !" The parrot said nothing. "Pray parrot ... you can pray, so pray. Come on,
everybody's looking at you !"
The parrot said nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue
buddies and the Rabbi over 4000 dollars. He marched home monumentally pissed off, saying nothing. Finally
several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped
and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over 4000 dollars. Why ? After I taught you the morning prayers
and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh
Hashona. Why ... why did you do this to me ?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. " Think of the odds on Yom Kippur ! "
Subject: The "Butt" of the story ......
Now I know you can't 'print' this, but -- (pardon the pun) you
have to admit ... it's NOT one you've heard before ... and it
HAD to make you chuckle. If you think things are bad, just
imagine living on this street. A True Story. (L)augh (O)ut
Well, Gail -- we had to check it out. It's true. Reported by
some of most credible news sources ... around the World.
LONDON - A British couple had no choice but to move due
to the humiliation and shame caused by the name of their
street. Paul and Lisa Allott only lived in their $250,000
bungalow on Butt Hole Road in Conisbrough, Northern
England for about 15 months, but they could no longer
handle the neverending jokes. Groups of teens would
often show up for a photo op near the street sign with their
rear ends exposed. They also discovered that taxis and
pizza delivery men would not show up, thinking that their
calls were merely pranks, Allott told the Sun newspaper, "I
like a laugh, ... but .... it was beyond a joke." The couple
now have a confidential phone number at their new
A friend of mine that is a police officer sent
this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If
you have a weak stomach, then don't scroll
down ... it is a picture of the demise of a
suicide jumper -- taken shortly after he
landed. It shows him with his insides now
on the outside. You will see the look of
horror on the faces of the bystanders --
ToTaLLy CoOL ®
You scrolled down. Sick.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the
3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and then your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your backside and leave those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at
her and make the "woo-woo" sound again. (Snap towel at her.)
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
With love ... Uncle Bill and ... Aunt Natalie.
Uncle Bill. What's To Say more ...
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