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The MagaZine
TotallyCool.net
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Editor-In-Chief:
Laurie S. Schechter
"World's First Vogue Style Editor"
ToTaLLy CoOL
Stay Tuned. On the road
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Section 1:
Features
Fashion
Culture
History
Totally Cool
The Magazine
outtakes and misc.
Editorial Music Credit:
Welcome To The Machine
Pink Floyd
EMI Records
A Magazine Alive
Richard Renda
Editor-at-Work
Subject: Lightning Bugs ...
What is the deal with Lightning bugs ? Here is this rather ordinary looking flying insect, but wait ... it has a glow-in-
the-dark rear end ! What was the Universe thinking ? I'm sure science has all kinds of explanations about how this
fluorescent fanny is useful for mating and other stuff, but why did the Universe choose to make the lightning bug
glow ? I wonder if -- when the Universe was creating all the animals and everything around us it came up with the
idea of the Lightning Bug and said, "The kids are gonna l-o-v-e this." We know this Universe loves us enough to
create all the things we need to survive, but does the Universe love us so much it created some things just to make
us smile ? Just seeing Lightning bugs takes me back to those warm summer nights when I was very young. I'd be
running around the backyard with my empty Mason jar, racing toward the flashing lights all around me. I can still
feel the joy and hear the laughter echoing through my memories. Lightning bugs were as much a part of summer
as fireworks, fresh tomatoes, and big ice cold slabs of juicy watermelon. The Universe created so much diversity in
this world, much more than is needed for mere survival. It made all of this for us and you would think it wants us to
enjoy it. We can get so busy surrounding ourselves with man made goods that we don't notice the living tapestry
the Universe has laid out all around us. I guess Lightning bugs do have a purpose after all. They are a reminder of
how the Universe loves us so much. It would even paint the rear end of a bug ........... just to see you smile.
I wonder ... what was The Universe thinking ???
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a
beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear,
becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We
don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve
beer to belligerent bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." The
bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate"
Love Your Children ... Without Counting The Cost
A recent estimate put the cost of raising a child from birth to age 18 at about 250,000 U.S. dollars for an American
middle-income family. That doesn't even include college tuition. But it isn't so bad if you break it down. Still, you
might think the best financial advice would be not to have children if you want to be "rich." However, the truth is just
the opposite. What do you get from a child ? The following is what I read somewhere: Naming rights. Glimpses of
God every day. Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro
hugs. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A
partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day. You
never have to grow up. You get to finger paint, play hide and seek, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You
have an excuse to read the Adventures Of Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and
wishing on stars. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off
the bike, and removing a splinter. You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first date,
and first time behind the wheel. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications,
and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all
the power to heal a booboo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party,
ground them forever, and love them without limits. So one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
IF A DOG WAS YOUR TEACHER, YOU'D LEARN STUFF LIKE ... When loved
ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to
go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to
be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let
others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before
rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your
back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how
often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and
make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and
enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be Loyal. Never pretend to be
something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When
someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Someone said: "SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT."
I just did.

For The Men ... Foto to go.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the
whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do."
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up ... and
she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT ?? .. What was that ?" So she says
the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear ... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man !" She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom ?" Realizing that nothing was going to
happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We
went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed dept store. I walked around with her while she
tried on several different, very expensive outifts. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'll just buy
them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on
to the jewelry dept, where she picked up a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was soooo excited. She
must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me, because she asked
for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's
fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation,
she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No,
honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?!!" I then
said, "Really honey ! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile ... You're just not in touch with my financial needs as
a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was
going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you ???" Apparently I'm
not having sex tonight either ...
Subject: The Lightbulb

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb ? The Answer is SEVEN:
1. One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced.
2. One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb.
3. One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb.
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs.
5. One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million
dollars for a lightbulb.
6. One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and
wrapped in an American flag.
7. One to explain the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing your own country.
"The Official Editorial Authority"
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(actual AP headline) -- Lisa Bumett, 23, a resident of San Diego was visiting her in-laws and while there went to
a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at
the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open,
and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of
the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into
the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally
got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid. Lisa is blonde.
Subject: The Flag. Between the field where the flag is planted there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all
the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed companies. The Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390
feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is
6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5 pointed Stars comprised of White Larkspur. Each
Star is 24 feet in diameter. Each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000
Larkspur plants with 4 to 5 flower stems, each for a total of more than 2 million flowers. This Flag is located
on V Street -- south of Ocean Avenue in Lompoc, California. Aerial photo courtesy of Bill Morson. Pass it
on and remember this short prayer. Dear God -- please help all the people on this Earth who need a little
extra help from the Universe that brought them here.
Ready for a Fabulous Trip down memory lane ... If you were from Brooklyn or if you ever imagined
what Brooklyn was like, you'll LOVE this one !
Uncle Bill.

1. The subway, bus, and the trolley was only a dime to ride.
2. Schools were the showcase for the whole country.
3. There were no drugs.
4. There was very little pornography.
5. There were no divorces and few one parent families.
6. There was respect for teachers and older people in general.
7. There was a time where there was almost no violence.
8. The music of the times even when it became rock n' roll the theme was love not anger.
9. People made a living and rich or poor people all knew how to have a good time no matter of status.
10. A great day was going to the beach in Coney Island.
11. Tuesday night was fireworks night in Coney Island put on by Schaefer Brewing.
12. There were the Coney Island bath houses: Stauches', Bushman Baths, Steeplechase Baths, Washington
Baths, Ravenhall, and Brighton Beach Baths.
13. No better hot dog than the original at Nathan's in Coney Island.
14. The rides and shows of Coney Island were fantastic. Steeplechase Park -- the horses, the big slide, the
barrels, the zoo (maze), the human pool table, the Cyclone Roller Coaster, the Tornado Roller Coaster, the
Thunderbolt Roller Coaster, the Bobsled, the Virginia Reel, the wonder wheel, the bumper cars, the tunnel of
love, Battaway, the loop to loop, the bubble bounce, miniature golf, the whip, the many merry-go-rounds, the
penny arcades, Luna Park, the Thompson Roller Coaster, the parachute jump, Fabers Sportsland, Fascination,
toffee and cotton candy stores, custard stands, Pokerama, Skeeball, prize games, fortune tellers, guess games,
hammer games, telescope lady, the Harlem revue, the freak shows, the house of wax, the animal nursery,
restaurants, rifle ranges, push cart rides, and parades.
15. The fruit man, the tool sharpener, the junk man and the watermelon man all with the horse and wagon.
16. Only place for pizza and only whole pizzas was Joes Bar and Grill on Ave U, then in the late 50's a pizza
explosion buy it by the slice for a dime at many places.
17. There were many theaters, every Saturday afternoon 25 cartoons and a feature film. The Highway, the Avalon,
the Kingsway, the Mayfair, the Claridge, the Tuxedo, the Oriental, the Avenue U, the Kent, the Tilyou, the
Paramount, the RKO,the Walker, the Albemarle, the Alpine, the Rugby , the Canarsie and the Marlboro.
18. Sheepshead Bay was Lundy's Restaurant and fishing.
19. Big eating and coffee hangouts -- Dubrow's on Kings Highway, Famous on 86th Street and Garfields on
Flatbush Avenue.
20. Everybody knew all the high schools in Brooklyn.

21. Kings Highway stores had there own ornate glitz as far as style goes.
22. There were many delicatessens in the 50's but very few today.
23. Ebingers was the great bakery ... I loved the chocolate butter cream with the almonds on the side.
24. There were no fast food restaurants in the 50's and a hamburger tasted like a hamburger.
25. There were the "Murray the K" rock and roll concerts at the Brooklyn Fox and the Brooklyn Paramount. You had to
go the night before to get good seats.
26. Big night clubs in Brooklyn were the Ben Maxim's Town and Country on Flatbush Avenue and The Elegante on
Ocean Parkway.
27.Quick bites at Brennan and Carr, Horn and Hardart Automat, Nednicks, Big Daddy's , Chock Full of Nuts,
Junior's, Grabsteins or Joe's Delicatessen.
28.Knishes were great at Mrs. Stahls in Brighton or at Shatzkins Knishes.
29. People in Brooklyn took pride in owning a Chevy in the 50's. There was nothing better than General Motors then.
The cars would run and run and run, no problems.
30. You bought sour pickles right out of the barrel and they were delicious.
31. The Brooklyn Dodgers were part of your family. The Duke, the Scooge, Pee Wee, Jackie, the Preacher, Campy,
Junior, Clem, Big Don Gil. They were always in a lot of our conversation. Remember Ebbets Field.
32. (We loved this) ... You come from Brooklyn but you don't think you have an accent. To you Long Island is one
word, which sounds like: "Longuyland."
33. You played all lot games as kids: Ringaleaveo, Johnny on the Pony, Hide and Seek, three feet off to Germany,
red light green light, chase the white horse, kick the can, war, hit the penny, box ball, box baseball, stoop ball,
catcher flies up, running bases, skelly, tops, punch ball, hand ball, slap ball, whiffle ball, stick ball, dodge ball,
poison ball, relay races, softball, baseball, basketball, horse, 5-3-1, around the world, foul shooting, knockout, arm
wrestling, Indian wrestling, card games canasta, casino, hearts, pinocle, and the unhappy game of 52 pickup.
34. You hung out on people's stoops.
35. You learned how to dance at some girls backyard or house.
36. You roller skated at Park Circle. You had roller skates at home with a key to tighten them around your shoes.
37. The big sneaker was Converse (or Keds or PF Flyers).
38. The guys wore Chino pants and the girls wore long wide dresses.
39. In the 50's rock n' roll started big teen styles for the first time.
40. Everyone went to a Bar Mitzvah even if you weren't Jewish.

41. At plum beach everyone took their date there for the submarine races.
42. There were 3 main nationalities in Brooklyn in the 50's the Italians, the Irish and the Jews (even though
being Jewish is not a nationality). Then there was a sprinkling of everyone else. The Scandinavians in Bay
Ridge, the Norwegians from 8th avenue, the African Americans in Bedford Sty, and the Polish of Greenpoint.
43. The only way to get to Staten Island was by ferry at the 67th street pier in Brooklyn.
44. In Brooklyn a fire hydrant is a "Johnny pump."
45. As a kid you hit people with water ballons from atop a building, you shot linoleum projectiles from a
carpet gun and you shot paperclips at people with a rubberband.
46. You shopped at EJ Korvettes , Robert Hall, The 5 & 10 Cent STORE, Mays, Packers, A&P, Bohack, A & S.
47. NBC's Main Production Studio was on Avenue M. The Cosby show was made there.
48. Everybody lived near a candy store and a grocery store.
49. The first Mall comes to Brooklyn at Kings Plaza.
50. Bagel stores start popping up everywhere in the 60's.
51. Went to Jahn's Ice Cream Parlor with a big group and had the Kitchen sink.
52. Everybody knew somebody who was a connected guy (the mob).
53. We used the word "swell" that is passe today.
54. In the summer we all waited for the Good Humor, Bungalow Bar, Mister Softee, or Freezer Fresh man to
come into the neighborhood to buy ice cream.
55. Many of us would sneak cigarettes and hide them when we got home.
56. When we talked about "the city", we were talking about ... "Manhattan".
57. The Mets baseball team in the 1960's became our subtitute for the Brooklyn Dodgers.
58. In the 1960's we were ready to drive and hit the night life scene. With the car came the girls.
59. We are all in a select club because many Americans have family roots in BROOKLYN.
60. And Coney island was not an Island. It was Brooklyn.
Photo featured, at right, is of a label in
French
from a laptop bag that is made
by a small American company.
The
translation of the French is as follows:

Hand wash with warm water.
Use mild soap.
Dry flat.
Do not use bleach.
Do not dry in the dryer.
Do not iron.
We are sorry that our
President is an idiot.
We did not vote for him.

We had this checked out with a
translator and in fact that is: what it says.
If nothing else, we can say this much:
"The 2000 - 2004 American President
obviously is ... reaching the peoples."
1 Hot Dog please ...
(Editor's note, as a rule of thumb: we do not take sides. We just tell the
story of ... Life and History. Hope you're enjoying the show !)
Ramps & Amps
Home
Chorus of Colors - Ribbet
Now what was The Universe
thinking ???????? Maybe we
could make you smile.
What's To Say ?
What's To Say ?!!
Easy Words to say ...
Gee thanks ...
He Wants The Whole World ...

political cuties by John Chuckman
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