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On Every Page There Is
A Song. Wait. And adjust
... your volume.
Totally Cool ®
Laurie S. Schechter
"World's First Vogue Style Editor"
Stay Tuned. On the road
... to the next journey.
ToTaLLy CoOL ®
outtakes and misc.
Editorial Music Credit:
Windham Hill Records
A Magazine Alive
Mountians of Life. The Tongue.
It is a helpful tool that is used as a dangerous weapon. It is so light, yet we fail to hold it. Instead of using it
as a magic wand to tap a bit of encouragement upon one's heart or a smile upon one's face -- we use it as a
sword to cut people down, leaving their hearts broken and their self-esteem low. Instead of using it to turn
ourselves into little angels, placing blessings upon one's life -- we use it to turn ourselves into fire breathing
dragons who insists on one's life being taken. We use it to curse others ... not realizing we are really cursing
ourselves. We must learn to hold this dangerous weapon before we kill others as well as ourselves. We
must learn to watch the words that we allow to roll off of it. We must allow it to be known as a piece of gold
from heaven, instead of the flames from hell. Thinking of you.
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in
the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever possible, life
should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish
them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound,
getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look
prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special
parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days"
are losing their grip on my vocabulary; if it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.
I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for
granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few
former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a
Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know. It's those little things left
undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters
that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough
how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter
and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every
minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. If you see this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy
to take a few minutes and tell someone about it, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would
make a difference in your relationships ? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last. "People say true friends must
always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be
there." I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here
we might as well dance.
Hair we go ...
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her
house, so she called the contractor and set an
appointment to meet with him. When the contractor
came to her house they did a walk-through and he
asked her what colors she would like. They came to
the living room and she told him that she would like a
nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote
something down on his pad, then walked to the
window and yelled, ''Greenside up.''
The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything,
and they continue to the dining room where she tells
him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing
stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his
pad, then walks to the window and again yells,
''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but
still does not say anything. They continue to her
bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool,
relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes
something on his pad and again walks to the window
and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally
perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I
have told you the color that I want, and you write
something on your pad, then you walk to the window
and yell greenside up. What is going on ?'' The
contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes
laying sod across the street.''
Play the Game ...
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the
crap table. A very attractive blonde woman
arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She
said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that,
she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes !" As the dice came to a stop she
jumped up and down and squealed ... YES !
YES ! I WON, I WON !" She hugged each of
the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed. The
dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally ... one of them asked, "What did she
roll ?" The other answered, "I don't know -- I
thought you were watching." MORAL: Not all
blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
This elderly man went to the doctor to have
his sperm count checked. The doctor told
him to take home this empty jar and bring
back a specimen tomorrow. The next day
the guy comes back with an empty jar. He
tells the doctor: "I tried with my right hand --
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand.
Then I had my wife try with her right hand,
and her left hand, then without her teeth and
then with her teeth, still nothing. I even had
my neighbor try putting it between her
knees, but no matter how hard we tried, we
still couldn't get the damn jar open !!!"
Just to let you know that we're making great progress in
health care. Currently, there is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. So
... by 2020 there should be -- a large elderly population with
perky breasts, superb erections, and no recollection of what
to do with them.
He'll ask you to "turn your card over and look for some numbers. There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are
your card number, the next 3 are the 'Security Numbers' that verify you are in possession of the card.
These are the numbers you use to make Internet purchases to prove you have the card. Read me the 3
numbers." After you tell the caller the 3 numbers, he'll say, "That is correct. I just needed to verify that the
card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions ?"
After you say No, the caller then Thanks you and states, "Don't hesitate to call back if you do", and hangs
up. You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number. But after we were called
on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did ! The REAL
VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99
was charge on our card. Long story made short, we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA card,
and they are reissuing us a new number. What the scammers wants is the 3-digit PIN number on the
back of the card. Don't give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master card direct. The real
VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on the card as they already know the information since
they issued the card ! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you think you're receiving a
credit. However, by the time you get your statement, you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make,
and by then it's almost too late and/or harder to actually file a fraud report. What makes this more
remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from a "Jason Richardson of MasterCard" with a word-for-
word repeat of the VISA scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up ! We filed a police report, as
instructed by VISA. The police said they are taking several of these reports daily ! They also urged us to
tell everybody we know that this scam is happening.
Uncle Bill. Subject: FW: Credit card scam info --
This information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA & MasterCard Telephone Credit Card
Scam works, you'll be better prepared to protect yourself. Thanks to Dr. Pat Cloney for passing this on.
Those con artists get more creative every day. My husband was called on Wednesday from "VISA", and I
was called on Thursday from "MasterCard". The scam works like this: Person calling says, "this is
<name>, and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460.
Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on
your VISA card which was issued by <name> bank. Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for
$497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona ?" When you say "No", the caller continues with,
"Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the
charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before
your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct ?" You say "yes".
The caller continues... "I will be starting a Fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call
the 1-800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800-VISA) and ask for Security. You will need to refer
to this Control #" The caller then gives you a 6 digit number. "Do you need me to read it again ?" Here's
the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works. The caller then says, "he needs to verify you are in
possession of your card."
Hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important ! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list ! If someone
comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it ! This
is a scam; they only want to see you naked. Wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now ...
You know you're living in year 2004 plus when ...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't
have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9"
to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
10. You learn about your company lay offs on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to
get long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no # 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a # 9.
Subject: Fw: We Might As Well Dance ! This was written by an 83 year old ... The last l line says it all.
AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself ! Smile. Have A NICE DAY.
Sperm count ...
Obituary: Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life
but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals,
homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty
rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such
valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting
strategies, and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body
piercing, whole language and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the "If it only
helps one person it's worth it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of
overbearing federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and
enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance
policies, reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended
for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined
even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the
parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as
the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better
treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding
questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and
mandatory air bags. Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that
which enhanced property values, he breathed his last. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents
Truth and Trust; his wife Discretion; his daughter Responsibility; and his son Reason. He is survived by three
stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance, and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
Subject: You decide...
Subject: Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
-- Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a
good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden"
-- Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a
spirit of international harmony.
-- The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N.
resolutions against Iraq.
-- A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
-- Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
-- The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.
-- If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
-- A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
-- Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
-- HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
-- Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
-- A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support
for a war in which 15,000 innocent women and children die is solid defense policy.
-- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay
marriages and censoring the Internet.
-- The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our
-- Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
This does not reflect the views of the magazine. We tell tale about everything. But it obviously reflects the
views of people.
Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have ! I've used it all through my married life, as
my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my 50's, I find it even better ! In fact, about a
month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing
led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out
using a bargain detergent but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the store, I purchased a bottle of
liquid Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise all of the stains came out ! In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and
my attorney called to say that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband. What a relief ! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect ! I
thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty
bag people. Sincerely, Betty --
Joe Heuer's Daffynitions
Butterfly: what a caterpillar thinks is the
end of the world.
Ben & Jerry's: paraphernalia for lost and
Consciousness: what you regain right
after you finally have things figured out.
Email: the opportunity for people from all
over the world to pile more work into your
Embarrassment: something you can
provide for your children by setting a good
Hypochondriac: someone whose epitaph
reads "I told you so."
Plastic surgeon: the only person who
really likes it when you pick your nose.
Whacko: someone who reads the
dictionary backwards looking for
Water: a beverage you would never drink
if you actually thought about what fish do
Woeful: taking out a personal ad in
Joe Heuer http://www.daffynitions.com
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What's To Say ?
What's To Say ?!!