copyright 2004
All rights reserved.
On Every Page There Is
A Song. Wait. And adjust
... your volume.
Totally Cool
The Magazine
Laurie S. Schechter
"World's First Vogue Style Editor"
Stay Tuned. On the road
... to the next journey.
Section 1:
outtakes and misc.
Editorial Music Credit:
Out Of My Mind
Duran Duran
EMI Records

A Magazine Alive
Richard Renda
Editorial Director
The MagaZine
What's To Say ?!!
It is Time to ... Laugh !
Disorder In The Court ! Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are uttered, vanish
forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials. There exists an
army of court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Court is now in session, and here are favorite transquips. All recorded by America's keepers of The Word:
After a person has had a chance to deal with The Legal System they may think there is no humor when it
comes to Lawyers and Courts. Then ... this happens.
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name ?
A: Borofkin
Q: What is his first name ?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't
remember his first name ?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name !
Q: Did you stay all night with this man
in New York ?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man
in Chicago ?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this
man in Miami ?
A: No.

Q: Are you married ?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did your husband
do before you divorced him ?
A: A lot of things that I didn't
know about.

Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that
you are emotionally unstable ?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you
committed suicide ?
A: Four times.
Q: What happened then ?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q: Did he kill you ?
A: No.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears ?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears ?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time ?
A: Attached to the ears.
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous ?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had
she, if she wanted to and were able, for
the time being excluding all the restraints
on her not to go also, would he have
brought you, meaning you and she, with
him to the station ?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That
question should be taken out and shot.
Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him ?
Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you
stop an automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446 ?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time ?
Q: Please state the location of your right
foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right
foot was located at the immediate end of
my right leg.
What's To Say ???
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy
people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies
from the news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story. Behind every newspaper headline lurks
a newspaper deadline. The men and women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.
They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief messages must clearly state the
theme of each story, keep words intact, be attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that,
each headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible. No wonder that, on occasion,
editors get caught with their headlines down, and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold face
botch becomes a red face result. Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun
lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd.
Two-Headed Headlines
On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison
in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping." Rather
than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the
letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means: "extracting ore from a stope
or, loosely, underground."
"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law abiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I
move that the case be dismissed."
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty." "No
Stoping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched billboards that dot the American landscape.
Here are some other signs that need to be re-signed:
-- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."
-- In a New York restaurant, "Customers who consider our waitresses
uncivil ought to see the manager."
-- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty eight
years on the same spot."
-- In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."
-- In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
-- In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention center."
-- In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and
Trespassers will be violated."
-- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour !"

-- In the window of an Oregon
general store: "Why go elsewhere
to be cheated, when you can come
here ?"
-- In a New Jersey restaurant:
"Open 11:00 AM to
11:00 PM Midnight."
-- On a Tennessee highway, "Take
Notice: When this sign is under
water the road is impassable."
-- "Too many people take the good
life for granite."
Letter to the teacher. Maryann
was absent December 11-16,
because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache, and upset
stomach. Her sister was also
sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever
and ached all over. I wasn't the
best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be the flu going
around school, her father even
got hot last night.
What's To Say ?!! more letters of absence from
parents to the teacher --

-- "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E.
today," wrote a parent. "Please execute him."

-- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday
he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

-- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose

-- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

-- Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch. And when we
found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
What's to Say continues ...
The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial messages a day, and some
experts claim that the average child sees and hears 100, 000 pitches before being old enough to attend
school. Sometimes it seems that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies
have abandoned the struggle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense and meaning. On a
paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurant appeared this advertising atrocity:

NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE -- AFFORDABLE -- An Alternative to Looking Good.

After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct what happened in the framing of this
cacophonous come-on. Apparently, the good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their
affordable prices afforded an alternative for looking good. But what came out was the message, "Come to
us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it out. And we'll charge you very little to do it !" As the
following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified
pages than you can find in the cartoon and comic strips.
* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like
one of the family.
* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods
expertly served by waitresses in apetizing forms.
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.
* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into
a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring
coat, size 8 and fur collar.
* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique
* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and
get an extra pair to take home, too !
* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do
it carefully by hand.
* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle
spray will make it really repellent.
* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your
likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
* Great Dames for sale.
* Have several very old dresses from
grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself ? Let me do it.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of
* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit
the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such
immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain, and
* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.
* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the
Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you
drink it all in.
* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef
$2.25; Children $2.00
* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and
produce at night.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken
collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand
were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the
barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a
rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and
fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in
pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me ... I again lost my presence of mind
... and let go of the rope !

Be honest. I know you laughed ! Tell a friend about this site. So fun !!!


Trying To Do The Job Alone
... one of the greatest comic texts of all time ...
If you laugh, you have to tell a friend about this site: ... Don't forget

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting
form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain
more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.
When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to
the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I
went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of
bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
Super Model Crash
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris,
when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an
emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately !" Immediately the three models start
preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in
the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash !"

Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the
best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make up."

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law
of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses ? Why are you baring
your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die !"

Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women
with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my breasts !"

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle. Freaking out,
Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi-Are you crazy ??? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see ?"

Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE ! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in
plane crashes is a black box !"

* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.
* See ladies blouses. 50% off !
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Ramps & Amps
Chorus of Colors - Ribbet
Was at this site. Laughed so hard, fell off the chair. Then had
to walk away for a while. Was laughing to death. Absolutely
funny. We have to share this:
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