TheWhatToSay

Instructions for Life - Advice from the Dali Lama

Take Into Account That Great Love and Great Achievement Involve
Great Risk.

Follow The Three R's. 1. Respect for Self. 2. Respect for Others.

3. Responsibility for All Your Actions.

Don't Let A Little Dispute Injure A Great Relationship.

Live A Good Honorable Life. Then When You Grow Older,

You'll Be Able To Enjoy It A Second Time.

Share Your Knowledge. It Is The Way To

Achieve Immortality.

Remember The Best Relationship Is One

In Which Your Love For Each Other Exceeds

Your Need For Each Other.

Approach Love And Cooking With

Reckless Abandon.

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY ...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,

then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

12. Nothing is fool proof to a talented fool.

13. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

17. The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets
the cheese.

18. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

20. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

21. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand..

23. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

1. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say
to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a
virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

2. I had a rose named after me and I was very
flattered. But I was not pleased to read the
description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

3. Last week, I stated this woman was the
ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since
been visited by her sister, and now wish to
withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain

4. The secret of a good sermon is to have a
good beginning and a good ending; and to have
the two as close together as possible. --
George Burns

5. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people
only once a year. -- Victor Borge

6. Be careful about reading health books. You
may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

7. What would men be without women ?
Scarce, very scarce. -- Mark Twain

Josef Goebbels, a master of this technique,
stated that: if you told a lie, the bigger the
lie and the more you repeated it, the
more it will be believed. David Brock, in
his book The Republican Noise Machine
makes a statement about how current
propaganda works. He describes the
destruction of an independent media, and the
resultant "Fairness Doctrine" have eliminated
mass critical thinking; He states, in a recent
CNN / Gallup poll, 42% of Americans still
believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in
the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack on the
U.S., and 32 % believe that Saddam Hussein
personally planned the attack. Propaganda is
powerful. Think about it. Why would an
enemy who was clearly labeled as having
"Weapons of Mass Destruction" have to
resort to an airplane crash to bring down the
twin towers ?

A pompous Baptist minister
was seated next to a cowboy
on a flight to Texas. After the
plane was airborne, drink
orders were taken. The
cowboy asked for a whiskey
and soda, which was brought
and placed before him. The
flight attendant then asked the
minister if he would like a
drink ? He replied in disgust,
"I'd rather be savagely raped
by brazen whores than let
liquor touch my lips" The
cowboy then handed his drink
back to the attendant and said,
"Me too ... I didn't know we had
a choice"

8. By all means, marry If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher. -- Socrates

9. The male is a domestic animal which, if
treated with firmness and kindness, can be
trained to do most things. -- Jilly Cooper

10. I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

11. Money can't buy you happiness, but it does
bring you a more pleasant form of misery. --
Spike Milligan

12. I am opposed to millionaires ... but it would
be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark
Twain

13. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
shut up. -- Joe Namath

14. Youth would be an ideal state if it came a
little later in life. -- Herbert Henry Asquith

15. I don't feel old, I don't feel anything until
noon ... Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

16. We could certainly slow the ageing process
down if it had to work its way through
Congress. - Will Rogers

Subject: Cajun fishing

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done
run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he
seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem
big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so
Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up
behine de snake and grabbed him 'roun de haid. Dat ole
snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself

'roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux,
him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh!

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and
puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let
go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls
out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pours
some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs
roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux
toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his
barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton
moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

Subject: Immigration Test

The new US Immigration Test.

Mujibar was trying to get into the US from Canada
legally through Immigration. The Officer said,
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except for
one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter US."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a minute then said, "Mister
Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is
Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and
works as a receptionist at a local telephone
company office.